b

Betty White at the Metroparks Zoo. 

You ignore your grandma's call.  You love her, but man,  can that woman talk.

Looking around the bar for your server to order another round of drinks, your phone vibrates again.

This time, it is your mom.

You pick up because if it goes to voice mail, she will keep calling you until you pick up or the police find you.

Mom is sick and needs you to chaperone your niece and her brownie troop on their field trip to the zoo.

After that, you get to help deliver all their cookies.

Turns out you should have answered your grandma.

The Factory of Sadness will have to wait for another day.

Your day is over.

F

Nothing is going to stop you from recording your own Factory of Sadness video.

Nothing.

You convince your friend to video you as you attempt to recreate Mike Polk's video.  You climb on top of a snow drift and start your rant about your beloved teams.

While in your mind, your video was witty, funny and flat out awesome, the reality is very different.  The end result was actually a sobbing mess (maybe those extra adult beverages weren't the best idea after all), that was punctuated with wildly flailing arms and you losing your balance and face planting in the snow.

Your video is posted to YouTube and picked up by Deadspin before you make it back to the car.

By the time you get home, you have texts and emails from friends, coworkers and a concerned grandma. Two days later, your video has gone viral and now kids are "face planting" - posting videos of themselves crying and flopping in the snow.

B

You take local comedian and fellow Factory of Sadness resident, Mike Polk, Jr., up on his offer and meet him at Becky's.

After reading Mike's book, you know that this local hang out has great wings, is a great dive bar and there isn't much chance of getting punched in the kisser by a biker gang.

You order some wings and beverages while Mike tells you that the Factory of Sadness fame comes with a lot of responsibility and you might want to think about it before you go.

He planned the video and was ready for it. Friends and family, co-workers and the check out lady at Heinen's are all going to have a comment for you.

You have a few beers and some more wings and then talk about starting a band that is led entirely by cats. It is going to be a Clash cover band. You are really going to Rock the Catsbah.

After an hour or so, you both decide that wouldn't work because cats are too cool for the stage.


You have a few more great laughs and decide to call a cab and call it a night.

Days like today are why you love the city of Cleveland.

c

Looking down at the shattered piece of brick and then up at the Come Home LeBron sign, you can't hold it in any longer. It is symbolic of all of your shattered Cleveland sports dreams.

You bend down and grab the piece of brick. You have never done anything like this before, but you really don't want him back. A twinge of nausea hits you, thinking about all of those jerseys that were burned in back yard barbecues and parking lots.

The realization of LeBron returning and selling more jerseys to the hapless souls that set theirs on fire smacks you as a money grab.

You toss the brick in the air, feeling its weight as it comes back into your palm. Nodding to yourself that this will do, you pull your arm back to chuck the brick.

Your windup is interrupted by the sound of a police siren, followed by a shout of, "PUT DOWN THAT BRICK."

Freezing where you stand, you pour out your Cleveland sports fail reel soul to the officer.

The Cleveland Police officer has mercy on you and suggests you go home now.

You do as he says.

Your day is over.

L2

Looking down at the shattered piece of brick and then up at the Come Home LeBron sign, you can't hold it in any longer. It is symbolic of all of your shattered Cleveland sports dreams.

You bend down and grab the piece of brick. You have never done anything like this before, but you really don't want him back. A twinge of nausea hits you, thinking about all of those jerseys that were burned in back yard barbecues and parking lots.

The realization of LeBron returning and selling more jerseys to the hapless souls that set theirs on fire smacks you as a money grab. What a jerk.

You toss the brick in the air, feeling its weight as it comes back into your palm. Nodding to yourself that this will do, you pull your arm back to chuck the brick. 

Taking a deep breath, you drop the brick.

Going to the pokey isn't worth it for LeFoolio. 

You shake your head and pull your phone out.

Scrolling though your twitter feed, you see that Mike Polk responded to your suggestion. He is inviting you to his favorite watering hole, Becky's, for a beverage and some wings.


Do you...

Go to Becky's to have a beverage and some wings with Mike Polk.

OR

Continue on the the Factory of Sadness.

L 1

On your way to the car, you see one of the "Come Home LeBron" signs. The campaign is spearheaded by a few well meaning hoops fans that want LeBron James to return to his not-home of Cleveland.

Something stirs inside of you.

Maybe it was visions of LeBron bopping his head to the "Akron hates you" chant in his first game back. Maybe it was the memory of no chalupas for you. Maybe it was game 5.

Your fists start to clench and you find yourself standing in front of the sign. You look down and notice a broken shard of brick on the ground.

Do you...

Pick up the brick and smash the sign.

OR

Shake your head and continue to your car.

3

You make your way to Great Lakes Brewing Company in Ohio City for a celebration beverage.

As you are waiting to cross W 25th,  you send a tweet to Mike Polk, inviting him to join you later at the Factory of Sadness.

The walk sign flashes and you cross, happily jabbering on about *this* being the Tribe's year and how you have to remember to request off for Opening Day.

You pick the brightest section of the bar and have a beer, making friends with the rest of the patrons.

Opening your mouth to tell your Terry Francona story to a recent guest, your cell phone rings.

It is your Grandma.


Do you...


Pick it up.


OR


Let it go to voice mail.

m

You look at your friend and then your phone vibrating across the table.

It is your Grandma.

You can never turn down your Grandma. You answer the phone in your best non-beer addled voice and she invites you to dinner on Sunday, making one of your favorites...pierogies.

The catch is, she wants you to go to the West Side Market and pick them up for her.

You agree and then hustle across West 25th in a perverted game of Frogger to get to the West Side Market. Once inside, you see a crowd forming. You make your way through to see what the fuss is all about. All of those years stuck on the lawn at Blossom have paid off as you squeeze to the front of the herd.

Michael Symon is in the center, standing in front of a camera preparing to film a spot for a Food Network show.  He pulls you to the front and asks if you want to be in the segment, for his Best Thing show. They are revisiting Czuchraj's Meats and he wants some Clevelanders to participate.

You of course, oblige and laugh and joke with him while eat jerky of every type. At the end of the shoot, you take a selfie with Michael Symon and post it for the world to see.

This is turning out to be an awesome day.

Do you...

Take the pierogies to the car and head home.


OR


Continue on to the Factory of Sadness.

t2 gl

You and your friend grumpily arrive at Great Lakes Brewing Company in Ohio City. Crossing W 25th, your phone vibrates with a text message.

OMG FRANCONA HOOKED US UP FOR OPENING DAY 

You look at your friend and bark out FUUUDDGGGEE and go straight to the bar and find the darkest corner that you can.

Nothing in the world would taste better than a tasty adult beverage as big as your head right now. Maybe two or three. Your head is kinda big, after all.

As your second beer goes down, you send a tweet to Mike Polk, inviting him to join you at the Factory of Sadness.

No sooner do you put your cell down, it starts to vibrates across the table.

It is your Grandma.


Do you...


Pick it up.


OR


Let it go to voice mail.

T2

You politely decline Francona's invitation and wait for your friend to come back from the bathroom while the others scamper off with him. You tell yourself that it is a little weird that a MLB coach is riding around on a scooter and he is probably just trying to sell you all a season ticket plan.

Suckers.

When your friend returns you go to the register to pay your bills. Walking out to the parking lot, you hear some "WOO HOOs" and the sound is coming from your friends as they jump up and down with Francona.

As he pulls away on his scooter, he shouts something, causing your friends to hoot and holler while high-fiving each other. 

Maybe, like so many other choices Cleveland fans make, you made the wrong one. 

Do you…

Decide that being a Cleveland fan is tough and you want to drown your sorrows with a growler of Great Lakes Brewing Company's finest.

OR

Continue on to pay your respects to the Factory of Sadness.

T 1

You all excitedly toss cash on the table and run out to meet Terry Francona in the parking lot by his red scooter. You stand by him, unsure of what the proper protocol is in this situation. Do you shake his hand? Hug him? Ask him how many Red Bulls Nick Swisher swigs? 

Before you decide on a course of action, he tells you he "gets it," and understands that it can be tough being a Cleveland fan. He pats you on the shoulder, telling you next year is a new year. 

Francona turns and reaches in the compartment on his scooter, pulling out several cards. With a grin, he hands one to each of you. Francona instructs you to call the number on the card because he wants you all to be his personal guest for Opening Day in a suite. He shakes hands with each of you and with a hearty "Go Tribe!" he rides off down 14th street.

Do you…

Decide that this is the luckiest day of your life and go to Ohio City to celebrate with a little of what Great Lakes Brewing Company has to offer.

OR

Continue on to the Factory of Sadness.

A Cleveland Choose Your Own Adventure

Grumpy's Cafe in Tremont

A Cleveland Adventure

Sitting at Grumpy’s with a group of friends, you are absentmindedly pushing your blueberry pancakes around the plate. Your heart is crushed by another dismal Browns season, leading into an equally bleak offseason. You perk up when your best friend suggests recreating Mike Polk’s Factory of Sadness video. Ha announces, "That will help everyone feel better," and you agree. 

You put your fork down and before you know it, impassioned words tumble out of your mouth - forming phrases like The Fumble, The Drive, Cleveland Sports Fail Reel, the guy from Akron, CC Sabathia, swirling in a blur of emotion until you have to take a breath. You look up and everyone at the table is staring at you. Your best friend gets up and excuses himself from the table because he “has something in his eye.”

You feel a tap on your shoulder and turn around to see none other than Terry Francona, Coach of the Cleveland Indians. He tells you that he feels for the Cleveland fans, because he is one, and then asks you and your friends to meet him in the parking lot by his scooter.

He smiles and says he has something for you.

You look at each other as he heads for the door. 

Do you…

Go with him, because OMG TERRY FRANCONA!!!!

OR

Politely decline. You are on a mission to recreate the Factory of Sadness video and nothing will stand in your way.